Naruto Product Placement
by FirestormMk3
Summary: Not sure what products to buy? Come see the products your favorite Naruto characters use.


Naruto Product Placement

Can't decide what brand to buy? Annoying adds too confusing? Then find out here what products your favorite Naruto characters use in their daily lives.

_The rain pours down from the overcast skies on the special monument built for Konoha's most honored shinobi: those that have fallen in service to the village. Kakashi stands before the black structure with his head bowed and a single tear slips out from beneath his forehead protector as it escapes the eye taken from his closest friend. As the camera closes in on Kakashi's face, his right eye returns to its normally half-closed state and all evidence of sadness is removed from his face. When he speaks it is with his normal laid-back voice._

Kakashi: Oh, I didn't see you there. This is where I often come in the mornings and clear my head. However it can be troublesome to start my day off so early, which is why I am generally so tired. Good thing that when I know that I need a good beginning to my day my favorite coffee is there for me.

_Kakashi pulls a coffee cup with Folgers imprinted on the side._

Kakashi: That's why I drink Folgers coffee, my preferred coffee when mourning my fallen comrades.

_He drinks the coffee in a single swallow through the mask, yet it leaves no marking on the fabric._

Kakashi: Ah, the best part of mourning the dead, is Folgers when I'm out of bed.

* * *

_Gai and Lee are seen sparring with each other in the training grounds they visited every day. The same grounds where Lee experienced the triumph of mastering Lotus and the countless defeats given to him by the elite genius ninja Hyuuga Neji._

Gai: Come Lee! Show me your powerful fist of youth. It is the springtime of your life!

Lee: Hai, Gai-sensei.

_The student and teacher continue to trade fierce blows, but as they fight, not a single hair falls out of place from their bowl cuts. The pair stop and wipe their brows as they face the camera._

Gai: Excellent work Lee. You truly are a genius of hard work.

Lee: Arigato Gai-sensei.

Gai: Also, your hair looks especially good today Lee. Truly stylish!

Lee: I am not worthy of such praise Sensei. My hair would not be so perfect if it were not for your advice on hair care. Without my VO5 Extreme Hold hair gel it could never be so perfect. Why don't you tell the people about it Sensei?

Gai: I will Lee. When I am performing exciting taijutsu techniques, I need to know that my hair is as dynamic as my entry. That's why I know for sure that VO5 is truly Dynamic Hair Gel Gai performs his trademark ding with a thumbs up. Now my hair will never be out of place.

_Lee begins hopping around in his carefree manner common when he learns a new technique from his sensei and shouts in a high-pitched voice at the top of his lungs._

Lee: My sensei is so smart and cool...

Gai: Lee.

Lee: ...and is the most powerful ninja in Konoha...

Gai: Lee!

Lee: ...not to mention his extreme sense of flash and style...

Gai: LEE!

Lee: ...and the techniques he teaches me make me invincible...

Gai: Baka!

_As Gai screams this insult at his student he punches him in the face sending him flying backward. When Lee hits the ground he rolls several times before getting on his knees._

Gai: Lee, pay attention during the infomercial!

Lee: Gomen Gai-sensei.

Gai: That's OK, youth is the time to make mistakes in life!

_Gai approaches Lee and kneels down next to him on one knee and student and sensei share a tearful embrace as the background inexplicably transforms into sunset by the beach. Gai and Lee speak the next lines in unison._

Gai: Lee!

Lee: Gai-sensei!

_The camera fades to black and the image of the pair is replaced by a picture of the hair gel._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Sasuke is in the desert rushing toward a rock with a Chidori screaming in his left hand. When he buries his hand and the majority of his arm into the boulder a cloud of smoke covers the screen. When it clears, Sasuke is facing the camera staring at his left hand which is extended before him. His Sharingan is active. The rock has been pulverized and a hole at least three feet in diameter has been created. Sasuke bears a serious look on his face and speaks with an equally serious tone filled with hate. His mouth is a scowl._

Sasuke: I am an avenger. I have a hate that burns in my soul. I have cried enough for my fallen clan and the solitude in which I have lived. Soon I will bring _him_ the pain that I have felt for so many years. All of the sadness is gone from my heart and in place of my tears is now only a passionate burning fire of blind rage and hate. I must have my revenge. The task of killing my brother weighs heavily on my burning soul and gives me a reason to exist.

_Suddenly his tone lightens and his scowl becomes a smile. His Sharingan deactivates and his eyes become bright._

Sasuke: But the soul cannot exist without the body. That's why I start every day off right by nourishing my body with this complete breakfast!

_He pulls out a cereal bowl._

Sasuke: This fruity beginning to every single day provides my body with the energy I need to avenge an entire clan. There's no point in waking up if I can't have my Fruit Loops. Thanks Toucan Sam.

_

* * *

__Kurenai can be seen fighting an invisible opponent in a open area of grass surrounded by trees. As she stops to take a break and get something to eat, she walks over to the camera and sits down._

Kurenai: I may be a strong ninja, but I am also a woman. All you other ladies out there know that that means I have to deal with a stronger enemy than a trained shinobi or lecherous man. I have to deal with my period. But that's fine by me, I'm well trained in survival and self-defense so I can get through it. I keep this around for the days that my lower regions are as red as my eyes. Remember ladies, chakara control to vanquish your foes, Kotex to vanquish your period. Kotex fits. Period.

_

* * *

Kabuto fiddles with his broken glasses, the lenses freshly shattered yet again after an encounter with a strong foe while training. He is working on the computers in the secret dwelling that he shares with Orochimaru and a shower can be heard running in the background. Occasionally Orochimaru screams in pain._

Kabuto: These glasses are so troublesome and get in my way of being a shinobi, but I can't afford high-priced contacts on the small income that I earn from that ungrateful Orochimaru-sama...

Orochimaru's voice from offstage: Kabuto, you know full well that I can't wash well without the use of my arms, where are you Kabuto. Come quickly.

_Kabuto shivers._

Kabuto: The wuss has never dealt with pain before and now he's like a baby. I deal with pain on all the annoying missions that man sends me on for his own gain, and what do I get. 1000 yen a week and the security of living with a Sannin. Some security that is now, the guy can't get a cup of tea without my help, not that he ever would have anyway.

Orochimaru: Oh, Kabuto! My back isn't going to clean itself. My arms are dead here and I can't even get a little service. After all I've given you...

Kabuto: Just a moment Orochimaru-sama!

_The sound of breaking glass and a piece of Kabuto's lense falling out brings Kabuto back to the matter at hand._

Kabuto: Anyway, the fights that a ninja is in are not the best for fragile eyewear and I need to see my foes. It's good to know that on the countless occasions when my glasses break, Lens Crafters has a one-hour guarantee on my prescription glasses and the same style frames as before.

Orochimaru: My thighs are chafing!

Kabuto: Why me?

_Kabuto walks off camera. From offstage Orochimaru's voice can be heard giving affirmative words such as "Oh yeah" and "That's the spot"_

_

* * *

Jiraiya's eye is seen magnified. As the camera backs away, it is clear that he is looking through binoculars. His cheeks are extremely red and he is chuckling to himself. After a moment he stops to write some notes and spots the audience._

Jiraiya: Oh, I didn't see you there. Did you come to go data gathering with me? If so I hope you brought something to magnify your vision with, the bath is a good hundred yards away. No? Well the great man, the white-haired frog tamer, the Sannin with no enemies in the North, South, East, West, nor even in the Heavens, the powerful Ninja Jiraiya always has a spare set of his tools of the trade.

_Jiraiya completes his trademark set of ridiculous dance moves and then pulls out and additional set of binoculars. He hands them to the audience, and suddenly the screen is filled with the image of a black haired woman with pale skin, seen from the shoulders up out of the steam._

Jiraiya: That's a better view, isn't it? Now you know why I trust Bushnell waterproof binoculars as my tools of the trade. The result can be seen in any of my fine literary works located in your local adult bookstore. Now get out of here, your scaring off the hot girls that set my soul aflame.

_

* * *

Orochimaru is slipping through the shadows of the forest careful to avoid any points where the sun is shining through the thick foliage. Suddenly a snake slips out from his sleeve and hisses in the direction of the camera, and Orochimaru is now made aware of it._

Orochimaru: Stay quiet, I have to see what else that beautiful body is capable of before I take it. When I'm out stalking new bodies to insure my immortality and placing curse seals on boys in a vampiric fashion, I need to keep my body as perfect as the one I'm thinking of taking, and even though Uchiha Sasuke's body has more of a tan than I would like, a few month's with Orochimaru's special SPF 900 sunscreen will turn him whiter than Liquid Paper. But I'm not here to talk about white-out folks, I'm here to say that Banana Boat's special blend of heavy metals keep the sun out when I'm in a place so bright as this. The coating of aluminum and lead is not only good for keeping the sun's rays out but it's good for the IQ too! I'm whiter than a Klan member and shootin' blanks, but I know that skin cancer, and radiation poisoning, are two things that I don't have to worry about. It gives me more time to pursue the finer things in life; like stalking men! Every morning before I head out into the woods, I have Kabuto-kun spread a generous amount over my entire body, at least two gallons for best results. So head to your local retail store and pick up Orochimaru's special blend manufactured by your friends at Banana Boat. Just tell them Orochimaru sent ya!

_

* * *

Naruto is performing his training exercises in order to further perfect the Rasengan. Finally, he collapses from exhaustion with chakara burn marks all over his hands. He lays on the ground and the camera pans around to his face. His eyes are closed and he is breathing heavily. After a few moments the wind blows and his eyes open. He addresses the air._

Naruto: Hey! As you know I am an excellent ninja destined to become Hokage of the hidden village of Konoha, marry the beautiful Sakura-chan, and defeat that wuss Sasuke who will never amount to anything. Nothing will stand in my way of these goals, but I need the energy to make all the kage bunshins needed to accomplish this task. That's why no ninja can stand in my way when I'm trying to get to my RAMEN! I have no desire to eat fresh vegetables and I never know when my milk has gone bad, but I know that wonderful ramen is always there for me. I'm sure you all know that I generally prefer the fresh taste of homemade ramen from Ichiraku, especially when Iruka-sensei treats me to a bowl or when I have a free meal pass, but I can't always head into town for my little plate of heaven. When I'm training far away, on a mission, or simply busy and on the go, I prefer Smack cup ramen from Union Foods.

_Naruto pulls out a sample of the beef flavor and eats the entire cup in a single swallow._

Naruto: So very good, and now I have the energy to continue.

_Naruto jumps to his feet, makes over 100 kage bunshins, and all of them perform the Rasengan, only this one has a diameter of 10 feet._

Narutos: Ransengan! Thanks Smack cup ramen. The beefy flavor really _beefed up_ my jutsu. You really want me to say something that dumb? That's worse than a pun I would make! Who writes this stuff?

_The bunshins poof and Naruto continues to complain and call for Jiraiya to supervise his training as the camera fades to black._

_

* * *

The sound of a shower running can be heard from down a hallway. From and unseen room one can hear sounds of extreme pleasure. As the camera rounds the corner, we enter a steamy bathroom. The camera changes to a close-up on the showerhead and follows the water down to lather and pink hair. Sakura can be seen from the top of her chest up with everything else obscured by steam. She is washing her hair and seems to be having fun doing it. Out of nowhere she notices the camera and screams, quickly covering her obscured chest and blushing. Then she relaxes._

Sakura: Oh, it's only you. Don't scare me like that! I'm trying to enjoy my, oh yeah, wonderful shower. It is in here that I give my hair the bounce that I know will someday tempt Sasuke-kun into my arms forever. Oh, oh God yes. I love this stuff. It's as fun to use as it is beneficial.

_She holds up a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo._

Sakura: That's why I only use Herbal Essences. It's so invigorating. The natural botanicals stimulate my hair and uh, yeah my hair. I'm smart enough to know that it's good for me and my hair, and any good female ninja should use it to achieve an natural shine that can distract men on the battlefield. If you're a medical ninja, it also helps your bedside manner. Oh, oh, I can barely take it it's so good. I could spend all day in here, but then I couldn't go stalk--talk to Sasuke-kun.

_Suddenly Pakun jumps up on to her shoulder, apparently having been in there the whole time. He is covered in the same lather._

Pakun: As you can see, it makes my hair even shinier than hers. I also just love the strawberry-kiwi scent. It makes me want to howl. I give it three super soft and bouncy paw pads up!

Sakura: Even your animal friends will love it. If you want tantalizing hair like mine, go pick up Herbal Essences today.

_The camera leaves the bathroom and pleasurable noises can be heard from both Pakun and Sakura._

_

* * *

Itachi is staring directly at the camera with a typical menacing look. The camera zooms in directly on his eyes._

Itachi: As I'm sure you all know, my Mangekyou Sharingan is my most powerful weapon, not that I'm not powerful without it, but if my eyes are too dry then they can't help me. When your most powerful attack involves staring at people, you need moist eyes to prevent frequent blinking. That's why when I get something in my eyes, I use Clear Eyes to moist my eyes.

Offstage voice: That's moisturize.

_Itachi disappears for less than a second and a scream is hers offstage. Itachi returns with some blood on his face._

Itachi: This is a perfect example, normally this blood in my eyes would cause a hindrance, but with a simple drop of Clear Eyes...

_Itachi applies the eye drops and then looks at the camera. Suddenly the sky becomes red and the rest of the world is black and white._

Itachi's voice: ...as you can see the results are amazing. Don't worry, I'm not here to stab you for 72 hours nor to make you see me massacring your whole family, just to demonstrate the power of Clear Eyes.

_Suddenly the floor drops out from under you and you fall for several minutes toward an eye. Fortunately the giant eye is very wet and it's like landing in a pool of thick water. The ground returns to normal and an army of Ben Steins forms around you. In unison, they speak._

Ben Steins: Clear Eyes will moisturize. Wow.

_The area returns to normal as Itachi stops his jutsu._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Choji is lounging around at home and is rubbing his stomach. He pulls out a bag of chips. Shikamaru knocks on the door and Choji brings him in. They sit on the couch and watch a show about clouds. They start to share the barbeque chips between them._

Choji: To me there is nothing better than KC Masterpiece Barbeque potato chips-su.

Shikamaru: Even with my intelligence, I can't stop with just one, and I know I should.

Choji: When I need fat to metabolize into raw chakara, or simply a pick-me-up when Ino insults me again, I've told her so often that I am not a fatass!

_Choji stands on the couch._

Choji: Hooray for big-boned people!

Shikamaru: Choji, calm down.

Choji: Right. I eat KC Masterpiece Barbeque ptato chip-su because I know that they are the best that the world has to offer.

_A crunch is heard, then Shikamaru's eyes widen as he realizes what he has just done._

Choji: The--last--potato chip-su. The very best bite. You-you ate it.

Shikamaru: Now, now. I'll buy you a new bag today and you can have it all. Just calm down.

Choji: The last chip-su. Too good for anyone else. You ate it. I never let another soul have the last potato chip-su.

_Choji chases Shikamaru out of his house and as they clear the door he shouts again._

Choji: Baika no jutsu!

Shikamaru: Be reasonable now, it's just a chip.

Choji: THE LAST CHIP! You will pay! Nikudan Sensha! Roll roll roll roll roll roll roll roll roll roll roll roll! As you can see, the chips-su give me the energy I need to make a very large version of myself. But not as much as the very last potato chip-su.

Shikamaru: Kagemane no jutsu.

_Shikamaru's shadow extends into the rolling tub of human flesh and it stops dead._

Shikamaru: Senpuu. Now calm down Choji.

_Choji continues to make snarling noises like a rabid dog._

Shikamaru: So remember to buy KC Masterpiece Barbeque potato chips. And give Choji the last one.

_

* * *

Asuma takes another drag from his cigarette. He tilts his head back in pleasure and blows out a long, smoky breath. With his head leaning against the back of the booth he's sitting in, he assumes a comfortable position; one hand is on the table and the other is hanging with a trail of wispy smoke emanating from the tobacco stick between his first two fingers. His legs are spread in a relaxed position and Asuma is simply taking in the beauty of life and smiling, apparently content._

Asuma: You know, being a shinobi is hard work. It's worse when you're a teacher of shinobi wanna-bes. My team is filled with a pompous self-important girl with perpetual PMS and who is more interested in Sasuke than ninjutsu, a fatass who considers eating a crucial part of his training regime and only by bribing him with barbeque can I make him follow orders, and a genius with no motivation and no desire to do anything. When you couple this with the everyday stress of any other Jonin, you need to relax.

_To emphasize his point, Asuma takes another puff._

Asuma: That's why I rely on the smooth taste of Marlboro. The great taste is the perfect way to unwind from a stressful day. I realize that some nay-sayers insist that it's not healthy for me, but how can something that feels this good be bad? Besides, my job is life and death everyday, so why not take a chance? Life is one big gamble folks, and I live it to the fullest. If you want the deliciously addictive method of calming down, Marlboro is the only way to go.

_Asuma inhales the smoke again and lets out a gut-wrenching cough._

Asuma: It even clears out the lungs. Every time I cough, it's keeping mucus from building in my lungs and giving me a cold. It's unhealthy not to smoke! It's never too late to start a good habit, so pick up a carton of Marlboros today!

_

* * *

The Fourth stands on a mountain surrounded by trees. The cool, gentle breeze that blows the leaves around also moves his blonde hair. He's staring into the distance as though lost in thought. As the moon begins to rise, he becomes almost translucent. After several moments he glances at the camera. As it pans around, we can see that he is looking over the village of Konoha._

Fourth: I love this village with everything that is in my being, and I was entrusted with the protection of its people. I love them all as though each and every one of them was my own flesh and blood. The people of this village have a fire that burns within them, a fire that burns to protect the village when the time is right. They're all willing to give anything for the village.

_The Fourth's smile almost begins to become that of a salesman._

Fourth: And how could I leave my loved ones behind in chaos. Trust me, you need protection at any age. That protection is life insurance. As the ghost of the Fourth Hokage, I know first hand about this need. It's a good thing that I talked to the friendly people at Nationwide. For a very low monthly rate, I was able to create a policy that made everyone in the village a beneficiary and that provided a house for my son. Sure, I had to raise taxes, but I know that I made the right choice. If you act now, you'll even be provided with the Kyuubi package that will protect you from the natural disaster of the demon fox and seal his chakara into your offspring, allowing him to be an overpowered main character in a weekly TV show. If you don't believe me, the ghost of the Third is here too.

_Immediately the ghost of the Third in his prime materializes next to the Fourth in the same translucent state._

Fourth: How are you?

Third: Not alive, not breathing, can't complain.

Fourth: That's good. Oh, nice move stopping Orochimaru from calling me, I would have so killed you dude.

Third: I know.

Fourth: Anyway, tell the good people at home about Nationwide.

Third: In case you were wondering how Konoha did not end up in total ruin, it's because I signed up for the additional Orochimaru protection plan, which covered all repairs to Konoha except to the monument of the kages. Now my face is cracked forever.

Fourth: Lighten up, it looks more like your wrinkled self anyway. Better to die young than to burn out.

Third: I'm not a burn out!

Fourth: Losing to Orochimaru. Yes, you are. Anyway, whether you're a kage protecting your entire village or a single parent mom that doesn't want her kid to spend his whole life paying off her debt that she racked up on booze and treatment for the STDs that she picked up on her numerous affairs, remember that like any good ally, Nationwide is on your side!

Third: Oh, no! It begins!

Third and Fourth: Brains, brains!

_

* * *

The two go off on an all night murderous rampage and feeding frenzy. Hopefully Tsunade opted for the Raccoon City zombie protection package._

_Tenten is in the kitchen dicing vegetables so quickly that her hands are a blur. She seems prepared for the camera and without even stopping her knife she begins to talk._

Tenten: You all know that I am a powerful female ninja, and when I'm on the battlefield, I know that my ninja weapons are at their best. When I'm in the kitchen, I know that my knife se--

_Neji bursts into the room with an cloud of dust._

Neji: What is all this?

Offstage voice: Neji, your product placement isn't until next!

Tenten: Yeah, I'm trying to sell knives here!

Neji: I'm not doing any endorsements!

Offstage voice: But you're contractually obligated. You have to dispel Naruto fans' fears that the English dub will be poor. You have to boost their faith in it!

Neji: Never! It'll become the next Dragonball Z or will become a kids show like they did with One Piece. I won't stand for it. They'll probably make me sound retarded too, and don't get me started on the names they'll give jutsus.

Offstage voice: Settle down now, Neji. We're on the air as we speak.

Neji: I don't care! I'll fight for what I believe in! Kaiten!

_The screen is replaced with one announcing technical difficulties and advising the viewer that they should stand by. When the screen returns, the last of Tenten's body is being dragged offstage and Neji is hanging limply supported by obvious strings. Blood is dripping from his mouth and his Byakugan is active. Someone is poorly imitating his voice._

Neji: Thank you, Tenten. And now, I'm here to endorse the English dub of Naruto. I'm sure the dub will be of the highest quality, and even superior to the Japanese dub. And who wants to read those annoying subtitles? I have a Byakugan and I don't. Plus the techniques will be far easier to understand. Even the editing for TV will be great! All that blood, action, and swearing only gets in the way of plot moments. We'll cut out annoying action sequences and allow the characters to simply talk to one another one episode after the other.

_He pauses as a stagehand reconnects the string to his right arm, which has now fallen limp._

Neji: So be sure to support the English dub, and if you download the Japanese version, I hope you get arrested. Goodbye now!

_Neji's right hand waves lifelessly at the camera and as the screen fades to black, a crow flies by. Rather than doing a normal caw, it is saying ahou, ahou!_

* * *

Dictionary for terms that you might not know:

HaiyesArigatothank youBakastupid/idiotGomensorry

Kage Bunshinshadow replicationBaika no Jutsumulti-size technique

Taijutsu/ninjutsuhand to hand techniques/ninja techniques

Kagemane no Jutsushadow bind techniqueSenpuusuccess

Nikudan SenshaMeat Tank

Ahou: Fool, in this case to point out how foolish this skit is. This crow makes multiple appearances in the show, most notably, in episode 101.


End file.
